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As a woman in my late 30s, I’ve always believed that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve struggled with very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It comes from anxiety and has impacted both my private and work life. It irritates my close ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only heightens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Asking Questions

This constant saying sorry is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or posing queries in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and compelling myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing embarrassments from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever totally accept myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to curb the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a burden on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How early were you when this began?” or “Was it internally driven or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of facing fears head-on, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you view, dismiss, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or being seen, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a loop of annoyance and worry.

Even processing later can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel understood without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.